If I Was a Layperson...

As a pastor’s spouse, I am not considered staff nor am I viewed as a layperson. Those of us who find ourselves in this position have, I believe, a unique experience and perspective. In my 20+ years of being a staff wife, I often find myself wishing our family was treated and viewed differently and how I might approach ministers and their families differently if I was a layperson myself. 

I've compiled a list of those things I believe I would do as a layperson, especially now that I have the insight of the “other side”--that being the pastor’s family.  It is not my intention for this to be a postscript to the book of Lamentations, rather to be honest about thoughts that have been bottled up over the years.  And in this process I've come to realize how much I would actually miss being part of the sisterhood of pastor's wives.  It is also my prayer that this list would be helpful for the layperson as they interact with their own pastors' families.  

If I was a Layperson...

If I was a layperson, I would respect my pastors and not criticize them, especially in gossip.  
1 Timothy 5:17 says, “Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching.”  1 Thessalonians 5:12-13 states, “...respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work.”   How has the pastorate become such open fodder for criticism, critique, and speculation?  What happened to honor and respect?

If I was a layperson and had a question of philosophy or method, I would abide by the Biblical instruction and approach THAT pastor one-on-one.  

If I was a layperson, I would not compare a pastor to another pastor, current or previous.

I would pray for my pastors and families...and tell them I am.

I would be interested in their lives and the lives of their children, showering them with genuine care and encouragement.

I would attend sporting events of children because we are all called to support and encourage the body of Christ and not leave it to pastors virtually alone to cheer on students.

I would not feel as if my husband was continually under a microscope.  A microscope destroys everything that’s under it if it is on too long--a microscope is so harsh that it burns. 

I would take time to do something special during Pastor Appreciation Month.

I would not expect my pastors to meet my every desire and feel like they have to make me happy in order for them to have my approval.

I would understand and expect to not always agree with the pastor, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong or bad--just different.  I would not complain about those differences--I would determine to leave the issue in the Hands of God and of that pastor, as he/she IS the one who the Lord placed in that position and he/she HAS been put in authority.

I would not expect the pastor’s children to be perfect.

I would support them even when I don't always agree with everything in the church.   

If I was a layperson, I would not expect the pastor’s family to show up at church on Sunday if they are on vacation yet are home. 

We would be able to eat dinner together and not have to wonder when we’d see Dad next.

I would not allow my children to ask or expect to get the “inside scoop” from the pastor’s children.

I would continue to dress myself and my children modestly so that I would not offend or distract anyone, not only the pastors.

I would strive to not be spiritually immature by causing dissension and “sides” among the Body.

If I was a layperson, I would not have one set of standards for the pastoral staff and another for myself.

I would adhere to my church’s doctrine because I am a member and not expect only the pastors' families to adhere to doctrine.

I would be living in a part of the country where I loved the climate and the scenery and was near my family.

I wouldn’t always walk into church on eggshells wondering what negative issue would come up today that would affect my husband.

If I was a layperson, I wouldn’t have a husband whose spirit has been repeatedly crushed so badly from ministry to those in the body of Christ that I see the enthusiasm and joy draining right out of him. 

I wouldn’t have anxiety every time my husband texts about how a meeting went.

I would faithfully get my kids to church because it IS possible to do sports and be an integral part of church at the same time.  We would talk to coaches just as we do now; it’s NOT because we’re pastors.

I would place just as high a priority on church attendance and wouldn’t use sports or being tired or other excuses to not be faithful participants.

I would have developed deep friendships and have close girlfriends.

I wouldn’t have the mental illness issues of depression and anxiety to the degree I do.

If I was a layperson, I would still sit near the front of the sanctuary to alleviate distractions.

I would not feel ridiculous when I don’t know information about the church calendar, church family situations and health issues, or the Bible.

I would not have a continual question of job security in the back of my mind and wouldn’t think twice before hanging a picture or shelf in my home.   

I would visit someone in the hospital without people thinking I’m doing it only because I’m a pastors wife and it’s my “duty.”

I would not feel as great a pressure to live up to others’ expectations.

I would not feel guilty for not opening my home to entertain more than I do.

I would not feel so awkwardly out of place when I talk to people I don’t have anything in common with.

I would be saved from hurt by people who tell my husband what they don’t like about him or how to do his job.

I would not ruminate in my mind conversations I WISH I could have with those who have been hurtful or who I don’t agree with but I can’t say because I’m the pastor’s wife.

I would not tell my pastors how to do their job just as I wouldn’t tell a UPS driver how to deliver packages. 

I would have the same high moral and character standards for my family as I do now.

If I was a layperson, I would not have as many opportunities to pray with people.

I would not have had met and visited with so many wonderful people and likely would be “lost in the crowd”--not necessarily a negative thing for someone like me who has social anxiety issues.

My weight wouldn’t fluctuate due to eating more or less during especially stressful times.

I would be more relaxed.

I would not get to enjoy the flexibility of my husband’s work schedule.

I would, unfortunately, not be asked to assist when someone in the body of Christ has a need.

I would miss out on some pretty nice banquets.

I would not have even considered stretching my passion and experiencing the joy of leading corporate worship.

I would not have friends all across the country.

I would still feel the desire to greet everyone and help everyone feel welcomed and included.

I would miss out on opportunities to talk with people I have nothing in common with.

I would not have the honor of going on retreats with my husband at no cost to us.

I would not have as many opportunities to celebrate joys and answers to prayer with others.

If I was a layperson, I would miss being a pastor’s wife.

Fritz Family Letter 2013

December 2013

 

Much has happened since you last heard from 

the Fritz family a few years ago.  I will

attempt to briefly fill you in on our

adventure called life.  

The biggest news is that, after 13 years of living on the Oregon coast, we relocated to the Tucson, Arizona area in the summer of 2012.  We sensed the Lord opening the door to move.   Eric is currently a youth pastor with the possibility of moving into broader roles.  It’s been a long time since we’ve been the “new kids” breaking into social circles and, as a pastor often does, stretching the people to new and different ground.  We still feel displaced but are trusting God brought us here for a purpose and look forward to bright days ahead. 

Gabrielle has been battling a gastroenterology issue for a few years.  The pain and other symptoms she endures causes her to miss quite a bit of school and a lot of experiences which make for a fun senior year of high school.  Nonetheless, she continues to excel at school (including an “A” in a college class) and keeps an incredible, faith- and hope-filled attitude.    She plays the flute in the symphonic orchestra.  Because of her health issues, she will likely stay home for the time being following graduation.

Graydon is a sophomore and continues to be highly successful in running cross country and track.  He played freshman basketball last year but is now concentrating on running in hopes to receive a running scholarship.  He lettered in both xc and track his freshman year.  He has surpassed both Eric and I in height, for which he thoroughly enjoys reminding us.

Gideon is a 7^th grader at the Christian school, which he really enjoys.  He’s always working on a project with his hands or on plans to fulfill his dreams for his future.  His classmates ask him how he always knows how to make the best construction for the engineering projects.  In his spare time, he enjoys adding to his notebook, which is full of diagrams and plans for living “off the grid” as a taxidermist, blacksmith, farmer, etc. in a log cabin built with his own hands.  An exciting highlight for Gideon is that he shot his first “big game” in the desert—a javelina, which we “get” to enjoy daily on our family room wall.  J

Geric is in kindergarten.  After more than three months of seeing our sweet little man go to kindergarten with a nervous tummy and having it affect him both emotionally and physically, we decided to homeschool him.   He’s doing very well with learning how to read but, more importantly to us, we have our happy, care-free little guy back.   

We haven’t gotten used to living in the desert and not being near evergreens and water.  We have found a couple places we can go to get out of the heat—San Diego is just six hours away and Pinetop, AZ (resembles central Oregon) is just four.  Fishing and camping have been replaced with 4-wheeling and swimming in our backyard pool.

No matter what you may face this coming year, our desire is that, with God, you can face it with confidence and faith.

Rejoicing and Mourning Can Be Tough!

Rejoice with those who rejoice; 

mourn with those who mourn.  Romans 12:15  

It sounds simple enough.  How hard can it be?  After all, we are elated for our friend who has been struggling to get pregnant when she announces the wonderful news, and our hearts share in the pain when a dear one loses a job or, perhaps, battles a chronic illness.  

But do you ever find your gut churning inside and secretly wishing the good fortune happened to you instead of that other person?  Or when you learn a person with whom you have a conflict has just been demoted at work, do you say, "Oh, that's too bad" but under your breath say, "You deserve it, you slacker"?  No, you would never say it out loud to anyone nor want to admit it to yourself, but you grit your teeth and internally stew about it.  "Why do I never get the breaks?!"  "Why am I not getting the recognition?!  I've worked just as hard!"  Or "Good, she needs a taste of her own negativity!"  Let's be real. Let's be honest.  We don't always rejoice with those who rejoice and we don't always truly mourn with those who mourn.

Rejoicing and mourning with others takes effort.  Because we are human and naturally self-absorbed, we may be jealous of another's good fortune.  For the same reason, we may want to come across better or more fortunate that someone else so we quietly rejoice in their misery.  

It was not long ago that I came face-to-face with this reality.  I had noticed that a friend of mine from before I moved had de-friended me on Facebook.  It really bothered me and I felt the need to do "the Matthew 5:23-24 thing" and reconcile if need be (Matthew 5:23-24: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.")  I shot off a message asking if I had offended her.  I was thankful she responded but her response bothered me almost as much.  The gist behind her de-friending me was because she was seeing on Facebook how well our family was doing and how happy and blessed we've been.  She said it was hard for her to read, since she and her family have had a number of struggles recently.  So the easiest thing for her to do was to eliminate being reminded of her own struggles, which meant de-friending each of my family members.  Sad?  Yes.  Do I understand?  To a degree.  But rather than avoidance, couldn't it be better used as an opportunity to grow in character?  As I thought about how blatant and unfortunate this example is, I recognize my own tendency to inwardly do the same on occasion.  Am I really happy when someone else is given kudos for a job well done and I'm seemingly overlooked?  

It may be easy to "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn" when it is a friend, but what about when it is an enemy--someone you don't especially like?  It becomes all the harder.  What does Scripture mean anyway, when it says to share in the rejoicing and mourning of others?  Those are action words.  I believe it implies we are to get involved, even when it's difficult.  Swallowing our pride is not an easy thing to do, but necessary if we truly desire to become more like Christ and His character.  

Putting feet to our rejoicing and mourning may mean different things to different people.  I am thankful I have the Holy Spirit Who is quick to prick my heart when my go-to reaction would be jealousy or pride.  I can then ask the Lord to forgive my selfishness and ask how He'd like me to respond.  It may mean verbally congratulating someone on their victory--even when I think I am the one who deserves it.  It may mean praying for that one in distress whom I would really rather gloat over.  It may even mean humbly approaching them, mending bridges and voluntarily assisting them in some way.   Tough stuff!  

Why would anyone want to subject themselves to such humility?  Because it's what God requires of us.  Because it is through these tests (which, by the way, we have not encountered by accident) that God puts us through that will either refine us or sink us deeper into the mire of self-absorption and pride.  The deeper we get, the more difficult it is to resurface and the more difficult it becomes for our hearts to be tuned into the Holy Spirit's prompting.  If you truly desire to be Christ-like, practice rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn.

"Quicken my spirit, Father, to hear Your voice 

and to obey Your nudging, 

even when it takes much effort."

When in the Valley...

Who doesn't have "valley experiences?"  Having those moments of anguish, desperation, and hopelessness are part of being human.  How we respond in those times is up to us and, in large part, determines our future.

I'm feeling especially sentimental today as I reminisce about June 25, 1988.  On this day a quarter of a century ago, I lost my brother and his wife to a fatal car accident.  Life hasn't been the same.  That defining moment shaped who I am and where my life is today--from, literally who I married to my testimony of God's goodness when I speak at gatherings.  I would not choose such a tragedy in order to accomplish the last 25 years, but I do recognize how God has used that horrific event for His glory time and time again.  

We've heard it said that tragedies can likely either bring people closer together or push them further apart, and I believe this pertains to peoples' faith in God as well.  My family could have chosen the road of hard-heartedness toward the woman who was responsible for the accident or tried to escape one another when confronting our own pain as well as one another's was just too difficult to endure.  We could have cursed God and abandoned our faith in Him and His Sovereignty.   I am thankful I can say today, 25 years later, satan did not have his way!

Instead, we soaked in every testimony of how my brother and his wife had touched a life.  We understand that several of their peers recommitted their lives to Christ. Their story was included in a book and we anticipate hearing one day in Heaven the stories of those who were encouraged by the words of that author, pastor, and friend.  My mom led numerous grief classes over the years touching likely hundreds of lives, many turning to Christ for the first time as a result. For myself, it was the catalyst for me to break off a destructive engagement and transfer colleges, which eventually led me to my husband, for which I'm so very grateful. I wish our family would not have had to endure the pain of these last 25 years. I wish my children and husband could have met my brother. However, I know God has used the tragedy for His glory so my soul is at peace and I, too, can sing the song sung at their funeral--albeit with tears in my eyes--"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow!"

Just because we serve God Who can do anything, does not mean He will keep hardships and injustice away from His children.  Joseph had been betrayed by his brothers, and yet he declared, "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20).  With all the tragedy Job endured, never once did he curse God (Job 3:1), and God blessed Job's faithfulness by lavishing on him more than before.  To be a true follower and servant of God means we are to have the same heart of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego when faced with a "fiery furnace:"  ^"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us...But even if He does not, we want you to know...that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up"--in other words, they would not deny their God.  Their commitment to God, even when all looked hopeless, proved to changed the heart of a king and the course of history.  "King Nebuchadnezzar said, 'Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in Him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way'" (Daniel 3:28-29).

When we can look loss and hopelessness and tragedy in the face and, with a soft and pure heart, still recognize God as Almighty Deliverer and Restorer, God will show His faithfulness in our heart and even the circumstances surrounding us.  Our hearts my break to the point of seeming disrepair.  But when we cry out to God and place our confidence in Him, He promises to use those trials to bring Him glory, and in doing so, will bring light and peace and healing to our soul.  Like the three friends, we are able to be a testimony of God's faithfulness where hard hearts and stubborn wills of onlookers may turn and bow to the sovereignty of the one true God.

Satan tries his hardest to use circumstances against us, to cause us to lose faith and question God's authority.  Ephesians 5:15-17 says, "Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is."  If we determine in our hearts to see His Hand at work in every situation, we can be His vessel to bring Him glory and impact far more lives than we can imagine.