If I Was a Layperson...

As a pastor’s spouse, I am not considered staff nor am I viewed as a layperson. Those of us who find ourselves in this position have, I believe, a unique experience and perspective. In my 20+ years of being a staff wife, I often find myself wishing our family was treated and viewed differently and how I might approach ministers and their families differently if I was a layperson myself. 

I've compiled a list of those things I believe I would do as a layperson, especially now that I have the insight of the “other side”--that being the pastor’s family.  It is not my intention for this to be a postscript to the book of Lamentations, rather to be honest about thoughts that have been bottled up over the years.  And in this process I've come to realize how much I would actually miss being part of the sisterhood of pastor's wives.  It is also my prayer that this list would be helpful for the layperson as they interact with their own pastors' families.  

If I was a Layperson...

If I was a layperson, I would respect my pastors and not criticize them, especially in gossip.  
1 Timothy 5:17 says, “Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching.”  1 Thessalonians 5:12-13 states, “...respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work.”   How has the pastorate become such open fodder for criticism, critique, and speculation?  What happened to honor and respect?

If I was a layperson and had a question of philosophy or method, I would abide by the Biblical instruction and approach THAT pastor one-on-one.  

If I was a layperson, I would not compare a pastor to another pastor, current or previous.

I would pray for my pastors and families...and tell them I am.

I would be interested in their lives and the lives of their children, showering them with genuine care and encouragement.

I would attend sporting events of children because we are all called to support and encourage the body of Christ and not leave it to pastors virtually alone to cheer on students.

I would not feel as if my husband was continually under a microscope.  A microscope destroys everything that’s under it if it is on too long--a microscope is so harsh that it burns. 

I would take time to do something special during Pastor Appreciation Month.

I would not expect my pastors to meet my every desire and feel like they have to make me happy in order for them to have my approval.

I would understand and expect to not always agree with the pastor, but that doesn’t mean they are wrong or bad--just different.  I would not complain about those differences--I would determine to leave the issue in the Hands of God and of that pastor, as he/she IS the one who the Lord placed in that position and he/she HAS been put in authority.

I would not expect the pastor’s children to be perfect.

I would support them even when I don't always agree with everything in the church.   

If I was a layperson, I would not expect the pastor’s family to show up at church on Sunday if they are on vacation yet are home. 

We would be able to eat dinner together and not have to wonder when we’d see Dad next.

I would not allow my children to ask or expect to get the “inside scoop” from the pastor’s children.

I would continue to dress myself and my children modestly so that I would not offend or distract anyone, not only the pastors.

I would strive to not be spiritually immature by causing dissension and “sides” among the Body.

If I was a layperson, I would not have one set of standards for the pastoral staff and another for myself.

I would adhere to my church’s doctrine because I am a member and not expect only the pastors' families to adhere to doctrine.

I would be living in a part of the country where I loved the climate and the scenery and was near my family.

I wouldn’t always walk into church on eggshells wondering what negative issue would come up today that would affect my husband.

If I was a layperson, I wouldn’t have a husband whose spirit has been repeatedly crushed so badly from ministry to those in the body of Christ that I see the enthusiasm and joy draining right out of him. 

I wouldn’t have anxiety every time my husband texts about how a meeting went.

I would faithfully get my kids to church because it IS possible to do sports and be an integral part of church at the same time.  We would talk to coaches just as we do now; it’s NOT because we’re pastors.

I would place just as high a priority on church attendance and wouldn’t use sports or being tired or other excuses to not be faithful participants.

I would have developed deep friendships and have close girlfriends.

I wouldn’t have the mental illness issues of depression and anxiety to the degree I do.

If I was a layperson, I would still sit near the front of the sanctuary to alleviate distractions.

I would not feel ridiculous when I don’t know information about the church calendar, church family situations and health issues, or the Bible.

I would not have a continual question of job security in the back of my mind and wouldn’t think twice before hanging a picture or shelf in my home.   

I would visit someone in the hospital without people thinking I’m doing it only because I’m a pastors wife and it’s my “duty.”

I would not feel as great a pressure to live up to others’ expectations.

I would not feel guilty for not opening my home to entertain more than I do.

I would not feel so awkwardly out of place when I talk to people I don’t have anything in common with.

I would be saved from hurt by people who tell my husband what they don’t like about him or how to do his job.

I would not ruminate in my mind conversations I WISH I could have with those who have been hurtful or who I don’t agree with but I can’t say because I’m the pastor’s wife.

I would not tell my pastors how to do their job just as I wouldn’t tell a UPS driver how to deliver packages. 

I would have the same high moral and character standards for my family as I do now.

If I was a layperson, I would not have as many opportunities to pray with people.

I would not have had met and visited with so many wonderful people and likely would be “lost in the crowd”--not necessarily a negative thing for someone like me who has social anxiety issues.

My weight wouldn’t fluctuate due to eating more or less during especially stressful times.

I would be more relaxed.

I would not get to enjoy the flexibility of my husband’s work schedule.

I would, unfortunately, not be asked to assist when someone in the body of Christ has a need.

I would miss out on some pretty nice banquets.

I would not have even considered stretching my passion and experiencing the joy of leading corporate worship.

I would not have friends all across the country.

I would still feel the desire to greet everyone and help everyone feel welcomed and included.

I would miss out on opportunities to talk with people I have nothing in common with.

I would not have the honor of going on retreats with my husband at no cost to us.

I would not have as many opportunities to celebrate joys and answers to prayer with others.

If I was a layperson, I would miss being a pastor’s wife.